Monkeys in my brain

Not as innocent as they look.

  My usual witching hour.. 3am. Typically I wake from some random dream, but in this case.. it was our two newly-adopted part Bengal kittens, Bingo and Ziggy.

Unfortunately I’ve gotten into a Pavlovian space where the monkeys in my mind just start chattering away. It usually spirals downward to a mild anxiety attack, sometimes an intense one. Filled with thoughts of regret, feeling like my best years are behind me, frustration that I’ve let myself get to where I am, feeling like I have no control. The uncertainty of it all.

  I’m trying to find ways to manage these thoughts. Sometimes meditation works, or I will put on some ambient music. Sometimes it works to exorcise those monkeys, sometimes not. As is the case tonight, theres just too much overwhelm.

  So rather than laying in bed and making the association of sleepless nights with the bedroom, I get up and try to do something productive. So here I am writing.

  This is one of those times where I don’t have the answer yet, but I do know I need to change this almost reflexive process of waking up and having negative thoughts.

Maybe its starts with that - just simply asking myself ‘What if everything turns out great?’

Good thing I have therapy tomorrow. Hopefully youre not reading this in the middle of the night either.